Just discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls

Sam's earlier homage to Yakult as read out on the Gerry Ryan radio show a few months back. I cannot believe this did not win a prize.

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Let me share with you my tale of woe,

It happened not that long ago.

I went to the cinema with my date,

My tummy was in a terrible state.

I eat too much, I was such a glutton,

I started to swell, I undid my button.

The lights went down, I settled in,

Little did I know what was about to begin.

I was so looking forward to ‘The Last Samurai’,

But when the credits rolled so did I.

My stomach was rumbling and a-rolling,

Loads of activity going on in my colon.

I decided to let out a fart,

Just as the movie was about to start.

And if there were any noxious gases,

I’d blame it on the cinema masses.

So I let it out, that was my urge,

But it was followed by a mighty surge.

I felt a sticky substance, it was just like glue,

My fart was followed by an almighty poo.

Oh Jesus Christ, what the hell?

There was no way to mask the smell.

My face said it all, there was no denial,

Why didn’t I get a seat by the aisle.

My guts were in pieces, I was in such pain,

I walked to the toilets like John Wayne.

I just about got there, to the toilet door,

Because down my leg it started to pour.

I will never forget that terrible day,

That evening when my bowel gave way.

I was so miserable, I admitted defeat,

Because on the roll holder there was only one sheet.

So quick as a flash, I couldn’t move much quicker,

I took off my jeans and peeled off my knicker.

The smell was vile, putrid and rank,

Boy oh boy, my cubicle stank.

When my stomach died down, when I felt no rush,

I dipped my knickers in the clean water flush.

I was mortified, ashamed, I felt a fool,

I got most of it off, that offending stool.

But now I am on the road to recovery,

Thanks to Dr. Shirota’s discovery.

Through all the therapy, trouble, and strife,

I believe that Yakult saved my life.

It’s become part of my daily diet,

I firmly believe everyone should try it.

Cos of my ordeal I could do with some fun,

Please send me to the Land of the Rising Sun!